Local Man Fed Up, Burns All Material Possessions

Bill "The Spot" Van Houten, a former candidate for Drain Commissioner in Ottawa County, spent Saturday afternoon pondering the deeper meaning of it all while watching his lifelong collection of material goods go up in flame.

"All you need is a little Coleman fuel," said Van Houten, as he cracked open his fifth Pabst Blue Ribbon, "Coleman fuel and a little moxie."

First thing into the fire pit was a much maligned and incredibly uncomfortable chair inherited ten years ago. "Why the hell should I sit in that fart-laden piece of crap? Just Because? Fuck it!"


Grandma's favorite chair, inherited by Van Houten in 1996

Other material goods soon found their way into the blaze. Anything Van Houten's wife had not "rescued" went up in the great pyre.


"My wife's dresser really burned nicely," commented Van Houten

Friends arrived to witness the event, a great deal of laughter ensued and the news of Van Houten's sudden leap to enlightenment passed throughout the neighborhood.

"My son is going to have to find a new place to store his Star Wars shit," said Van Houten. "No son of mine is gonna keep his dolls in a pink cabinet, Star Wars or not."


The pink Star Wars storage cabinet erupts