Friday, January 19, 2007

Retiring in Canada: Will the walruses tolerate my beach house?

Land is cheap up there, right now it's frozen solid and thawing gently in the Great Warming. In a couple decades it will be a festering, stinky swamp filled with mosquitos and starving, half-dead polar bears. I think I can handle the emaciated bears, but the giant bloodsucking bugs will... suck. In a couple more decades after that, Hudson Bay will be a paradise. Warm as bath water, brimming with critters to shoot at.

So does this mean I'm moving north for good? Haven't decided. Maybe I should migrate in the winter, head south back to the tropics of Chicago-land for the nightlife, where I will sun myself on the hot sand in January 2050. Hmmm, in 2050 I will be in my 80's. I'll be too old to pick up the hotties at the clubs anymore, but still young enough to vote for what will be remmants of the current political parties. "I remember when Bill Clinton got a blowjob, kiddie! Oh, those were the days! That was back when we had restaurants and giant stores where you could actually buy meat! Oh, those were the days!"

Check out this map from Scientific American. The map shows that the center of America, the great farm lands, will be incapable of growing wheat in 2050. How 'bout that America, you best get used to feeling hungry. Can you say Famine. Yum. Yeah, baby.

I just finished reading a book about investing in real estate in the age of global warming. Yeah, dig that. There's actually people cashing in on the coming boom of investment property in the wilds of the Canadian tundra. Get in line. By 2070, you'll be able to drive your boat from northern Canada to Siberia without any problem. That's so cool. There's some really good vodka in Siberia.

They said in this neat little real estate guidebook that computer climate models are showing northern Michigan as a safe place to be. The Lake Effect storms in the winter will be severe, but they will provide plenty of moisture that will be needed for the rest of the year.. The summers are going to be hot and dry, basically it's going to suck ass in the summer. Most of the forests will be dead or dying, but places like Petoskey and Harbor Springs are going to be really, really comfortable. That's all I'm going to tell you for now, I don't want to start a rush to the north. Yup Grand Traverse Bay, get there first.

Me? Oh, I'm going to go study my French so that I can pick up hookers in Montreal. Never say 'I love you' to a Montreal hooker.

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